Thursday, April 5, 2012

Time to throw down some F bombs and soar like an eagle.

Here is my warning, my parental advisory lyrics label.  I have a pretty hard core potty mouth, something I am not proud of, but nonetheless it is the truth.  While I do not cuss all the time and all over the place, when I am angry or frustrated my favorite word has a handy way of being  an adjective,verb, and a noun.  So if you are sensitive to foul language close your eyes and skip reading until the next paragraph.

Fuck you Satan, and Fuck off.  And take your shit lies with you.

There I said it, now I can move on.  It is feels good to be real, get down and dirty, and express what is really going on instead of bottling it all up and playing nice.  Satan does not play nice so why should we.  Gloves are off, but the armor is back on.

Now why did I need to tell Satan to take a hike back to hell, many reasons really.  All too often I give him too much power and act like as a believer I am powerless to him.  No true!  He has absolutely no power over me, none, zip, zilch!  Not even a tiny ounce.  When I became saved the chains of bondage that the world, aka Satan, had on me were broken by Christ.  That power that he held and dangled over my heads, gone.  Satan is 100% powerless, like a de-clawed cat, he can do nothing to me unless I allow him to.  Yes, only I have the power to give Satan power, just like I can give power to food.  Food has no power, none, yet is can feel as powerful as a hurricane.  But it is just that, a feeling, not grounded in reality.  Reality, my saved reality, tells me Christ is all powerful and has defeated and will continue to defeat my enemies.  That includes stupid Satan and all his stupid lie.  Satan is already defeated, he was defeated when I said yes to Christ and His life.  Satan can no longer do anything to me, but and here is the big but, he can and will still try his best to mess with my fragile mind.  That is an area of weakness for every believer, as we have the mind of Christ, but it is still channeled through a human.  A human, who still has a choice on who to listen to and follow.

And that was my issue this last couple weeks, which is why I needed to forcefully and loudly through colorful language, tell that idiot where to stick his stupid ideas.  I was given a huge revelation last week, via my box post.  So many ideals and image issues where brought to the surface by Christ for us to deal with.  And I willingly went along with His plan.  I was freed from a ton of garage that I did not even know I was holding on to.  Then by reading the book, Made to Crave, more identity image issues can up.  Again I was willingly to listen and follow.  Then in comes the bastard.  And what happens next, something that always gets me, a trigger button that sends me through a loop and off to crazy land.  Sleep, or lack of it.

I am a creature of habit, I love to know what is going to happen next, and to have my days pretty consistent  Ask my husband, I hate surprises.  It is a control thing for sure.  Well sleep is part of that delicate balance.  If my sleeping pattern for any reason at all gets interrupted and changed, well all hell breaks loose.  I go from one sleepless night to almost a week very easily.  Soon sleep seems like a distance memory, something I dreamed up, something I desire, crave, but can't get.  The more I think about sleep and trying to get sleep, the more I trap myself into insomnia.

I am for good and bad, a very stubborn and strong willed person, but also superstitions, sounds weird I know.  After my big breakthrough with Christ last week, Satan planted a seed in my mind, and I allowed it to grow, and even watered it a few times.  I was getting great sleep for months with no real issues.  Then a book I was reading before going to bed turned out to be really bad, all wordily stupid stuff that was clouding my mind.  So I switched books because I told myself, I needed to read a book before I can fall asleep.  Reading had become my crutch to fall asleep.  And when I could not find a book right away in came this, Renee you know you have been sleeping so well lately, it's that nice, but you know what, now you don't have a book to read, do you think you may have issues relaxing and falling asleep now?  And I am sure you can guess that happened next.  One sleepless night followed by countless more.  And so I panic and have a pity party and water that stupid seed.  Why am I so dumb!?  Why does this always happen to me?!  Why can't I just sleep like normal person?!  Now I am going to get fat because when I don't sleep I cant' think, and when I can't think I go to food, plus I read if you don't sleep it makes your metabolism slower.  Why me!?   Satan knew no sleep was a sure trigger to crazy town.

Funny how I loathe whining, yet I whine allot to myself.  While in the shower this morning I said, enough!  I wanted to cry, but my eyes are so dry from our lack of rain, it didn't.  Then came the clarity and the answer, the voice of reason who whispers when everything is finally still.  Renee is it okay.  Sleep, and your weight are your two biggest triggers, we both know that.  Why do you think this happened?  Because you believed a lie,  you believed you would not sleep, you believed you needed something other that Me to relax.  You allowed Satan to set you up for failure and he was just waiting for you.  We were moving forward with a big issue and we are still moving forward with or without sleep, just don't panic.  You know what you need to do, and I am right here to carry you through.  Just trust Me.  And that is when I told Satan to fuck off once again, and I took away the power I gave him.

The revelation that Christ gives you is just the beginning, not the end product my wise mother told me one day.  As the bible says, we are like clay that Christ is continually molding into His likeness.  I have just cracked the surface of my body image and food issues, and have much more digging left to go.  I have trust issues already, and I am step by step learning to trust Christ to take care of me, all of me.  I do know that my body and food issues will not go away in a day, I have already asked for that, and it has not happened yet.   But what I do know is that Christ will get me to where he wants me to be, as long as I am willing and ready.  Everyday is new, regardless if I got ten or zero hours of sleep. He is not going anywhere.  I may drift, but He is right next to me regardless.  And that my friends is a pretty darn comforting thought and reality.

It took me almost 20 years to build up these walls and develop these coping mechanisms so to expect myself to drop them in a couple months is unrealistic.  I am slowly opening my box and relieving some pretty raw stuff, stuff I forgot I put inside my box, and Christ is patiently and lovingly replacing that trash with truth, His Truth.  To be honest I am a little scared, my box was pretty full, but I am equally as excited.  It can be hard to be honest with yourself, and with God, but he always has you best at heart, and will not let you fall.  I can't tell you how many times I have tripped over my own two feet, but you know what, I have never fallen flat on my face.

 Just like my favorite Old Testament verse says:
He gives strength to the weary, and to him to lacks might He increases power.  Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait (and are now saved) for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wines like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. 

 -Isaiah 40:29-31 New American Standard Bible

So beautiful so perfect.

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