Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Truth in numbers. Two months down and feeling good.

Hard to believe only two short months ago I decided to get real about my weight gain.  Only two short months ago, I realized my eating habits were not being kind to my hips.  Only two short months ago, did I realize my wine consumption was a little out of control.  Only two short months ago did I fully grasp what I did to myself, and fully understand it was not a healthy way to live.  Only two short months ago I weighed in at 154, with a bad attitude about myself, food, and wine.

Today I can say some of those issues and demons are behind me now.  Do they still try to creep
back into my life, of coarse, but now I have the common sense to identify them and toss them.  
I can not stop the thoughts from entering my brain and whisper lies like, go ahead, tell yourself 
you are a fat ass, and since you are a fat ass, drink that extra glass of wine and stuff your face.  
And yes, that is a real conservation I have with myself more often than I want to admit.

The difference between two months ago and today is simple however.   I don't dwell on those 
thoughts and let them permeate every essence of my being.  I choose not to get emotional every 
time I look in the mirror or try on a pair of clothes.  I can't stop the thoughts, but I can stop 
dwelling on them and acting upon them as if they are truth.  Once again, I know the Truth, and
the Truth is not in the mirror, the mirror that I see.  My mirror will always be distorted, and at
times look like a circus funny mirror, but I know that is not who I am.  No matter how hard I try,
I cannot go back to that girl, she is dead.  I can try to resurrect her, stand her up, move her mouth,
but in the end, she is dead and gone.  I choose to firmly and lovingly believe who I really am, 
regardless of what the scale or mirror tells me.

Two short months ago I don't think I could have written this blog post with any sort of 
conviction and honesty.  I would lie and tell you everything was fine and good but inside I was 
hurting and hiding from the real me.  The real me is happy to not use food or wine, or even 
exercise as my escape from the world and escape from myself.  Do I still fall into that old line of 
thinking at times?  Sure, I am not perfect.  The difference between two months ago and now is, I
believe, regardless of what the world tells me.   I believe the Truth, and not the lies.  Wine, food, 
exercise cannot save me from myself or from my problems.  They only add to the problems, 
especially since I have body image issues already, then to pile on pounds does not help.  We need
food to live, not to cope.  We can sip wine as an enjoyment, in moderation, not to cope.  We need 
to move and exercise to stay healthy, not to cope.  I can't tell you enough how wonderful it feels 
to be free of the chains and bondage I put myself under.

This weight loss journey so far has been so unique and different than any other time in my life 
that I battled it.  The overall stress and angst over what to eat and what not to eat is gone, and 
replaced with just eating normally.   Am I hungry, well yes, grab an apple and a yogurt.  Easy 
stuff.  Before it was, I am sooo hungry and all I want is everything, and I can't find anything to 
eat that fits in my diet.  Gone is that way of living.  Yuck!  Who wants to live as a slave to a diet.
Not me, not anymore.  Yes, I still journal my calories, make the best choices I can, but I am 
allowing myself to live.  I want to live, and not be a slave to food.  Been there, done that, done!  
I am looking forward to the next couple months and I love writing about this and sharing my 
stories with you.  Thank you for all your kind and encouraging words.

Now on to the number revel.  Drum roll please. . . . . .

Newest numbers:

BMI: 24.54
Weight: 147.3
down 1.1 and overall down almost 7 pounds!

Great news, I am almost at my goal of 146, a weight I feel 
confident I can maintain.  And I now, fit into all my clothes, no
need to go crazy and try to lose a ton more weight.  This journey
is about being healthy in the mind and body, not about being 

This post originally appeared on my wine blog wineabit.net on 3/1/12

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