Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Week 6: Time to be brave. Time to be real.

Here's what I been thinking about.

My mom told me recently I am a deep thinker, a little scary if you ask me.  Ha!  But seriously, it did get me thinking about a ton of stuff the last couple of days, and yes, most of it did have to do with weight issues, but also just being honest about who I am and what this weight loss journey really means.  Time to be real, like one of my new favorite artists Mandisa would say in her song,  no more temporary fills, no more hidin'.  

Time to be brave.

Funny thing about losing weight, you never really arrive.  It is very similar to becoming a Christian and giving your life to Christ.  You think, once you accept His life, you have arrived and there is nothing else left to do.  Or just the opposite, you believe once again it is all up to you to keep your salvation.  Same thing with weight loss, once you arrive to your goal you either believe all your weight problems are a thing of the past or set a new goal, because now you need to be skinnier. 

How funny is that!  Believe me, I have reached my goals in the past and have done both things.  But truth is, I am still alive, which means I will still have issues with food or my weight, the choice is now how do I deal with them once I reach my goal.  No more striving for the perfect body, and accept a healthy but perfectly imperfect body.

In the past I have always had the feeling of being on a quest and I would conquer my weight, and slaughter off those pounds never to see them again.  Once I finished my quest, I would rest on my throne of victory with the scale comfortably under my sword.  I would never fear that scale or it's number again because I was the queen and it was my slave who would always listen to me regardless of what I put in my mouth.  The numbers would always be favorable, who cares if I just ate an entire carton of ice cream, followed with a chaser of Port.  The scale was my slave now.

That was my mind set.  And with that mindset I allowed food and wine to once again be the victors, not right away, but slowly. 

The problem is, you cannot see losing weight as a one time, done deal.  If you are losing weight, that means you have a issue with food, and calorie beverages, and the problem is not what you eat, but why you are eating/drinking it.  Once you reach your goal that is just the first hurdle.  Ask yourself during the losing process, did you lose it the right way or was it a game you were playing with yourself, or a battle you were trying to win on your own?   I have lost weight in the past, only to later realize I did not even begin to ask myself, why I was overweight in the first place.  I did not like the way I looked, therefor I was fat, and I needed to trim down.  I cut back on calories, but never examined my demons any further until now.

I have been "trying" drop pounds for over a year now, only to be always frustrated and fail at every corner.  Lose a few and then gain them all right back.  Why?  I would ask, why do I always fail, why do I always give up, why can't I just be skinny?  Am I fat?  How do I look today?  Am I losing weight?  Does my butt look humongous?  These would be the questions I would ask myself and my husband almost daily.  Sickening yes, but very important to realize why I was asking those questions and then figure out the answer.  And what is the answer you ask?  Easy, weight, body image, good food, and wine, are not the answer.  All these things will not make me happy, they have never made me happy, I will never have the perfect ideal body that I see I should be, no matter what. 

And I don't want that perfect body, that is not who I am anymore.  I am not the girl who looks in the mirror and always has something so grossly disgusting to say about how I look.  How I look is not who I am.  If I let that define me, I am nothing, nothing more than a pathetic girl looking for love in all the wrong places.  I am loved by the One person who loves me no matter what my size.  He also loves me, and does not want me to be a slave to my looks anymore, and for the first time since age 14,  I am ready to listen.  More importantly, I am ready to believe it.

I have been fighting with myself more this week.  I believe because I want it all to be over, to lose the weight, get to my goals, and just rest.  But that is not what this is about.  Plus, I got a complement from a complete stranger this weekend, which makes me once again want to rebel,  stupid I know, but that is what my mind does, hence the reason I need to nip it in the bud, and get back to the Truth.

And the Truth is, I cannot make my own salvation through food, booze, or a perfect body.  My salvation is locked with Christ, and He just wants me to be free, and I just need to believe it.  I need to toss out the garbage where is belongs.  The world is filled with body images of women whom we deem as perfect, bullshit.  I mean really, I love Pintrest, but under the motivation boards are pictures of skinny, ass-less women, who look more like men with boobs then women.  Women are supposed to be soft, we are supposed to have fat, a little pooch belly, maybe even dare I say it, some cellulite!  If only we would get over the super muscular nonsense.  Seriously, I do not want to look like a female version of Captain America, or a teenage boy.   And since I have a man who is madly in love with me, regardless of my jeans size, I should thank my lucky stars and just take care of myself, both mind and body!  I have curves damn it, and that does not mean I am fat.  It just means I am exactly the way God meant for me to be.  Period!

Week 6 Weight in Results:

I must say I am pleased with this weeks results.  I was up a little bit, but not in an alarming way, no reason to hit the panic button yet.

Here are the new numbers:

BMI 24.70
Weight 149.5
up 0.7 lbs from last week

I am giving this a thumbs up and down.  Why?  Well I think the slight weight gain is do to my extra water weight I carry this time of the month, but we will see for sure at next weeks weight in.  But I never like a gain no matter what the circumstances, obviously.  However, I was able to fit into a pair of size 8 jeans very easily.  I did not have to do any wiggling, or extreme gut sucking in to button them.  Huge deal, and I am very pleased with that.  Hence the mixed reviews on the weight gain.  Either way, here's to keeping a good attitude and moving forward.  Cheers!

This post was originally published on 2/16/12 on my blog wineabit.net.

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