Before Whole30 pictures

Ouch, a picture says a thousand words right!  Well here are my before pictures, completely raw and untouched.  And I weight 161 pounds, 15 pounds over my ideal.  I'm a little over five foot four inches and like to be under 150 pounds.

Before Whole30

Before Whole30

Before Whole30

My easy button and how it relates to everything I believe.

It has been quite a few weeks since I blogged here.  But I am back and here is the continuation from my last post about my day and how it relates to my weight loss and body image issues.  Click here to read my last post titled, learning to cry again, and continue reading below.  

The easy button, that big red button that declares life will be easier once you hit it.  That Staples commercial from a few years ago was so perfect.  We all have an easy button, wither it be a person, or an object or ideal,  it is the button you want to hit every time life gets hard, or you just need a little TLC.  But what do we do when our easy button is gone?  This past week I discovered who my easy button was and what it really meant when I lost it and how it has affected my daily life for the past six years.

My dad was my easy button.  He was the person I looked to for everything.  He became larger than life.  He stood for so much more than just my dad; he was in so many ways, my idol, and my god.

I never knew who much I relied on him to be my path to God until he was gone.  After all, he was the one who shared the gospel to me not once but twice before I finally received it.  He was the leader of every bible study in our church; he was the alpha in our house.  He was the one I looked to for spiritual guidance.  He was the one I looked to for the answers or at least the steps on where to find the answers to life's questions.  If I was having an issue with something, or having a bad attitude, I looked to him to straighten me out, to spit in my face, and then give me the Truth.  Yet, I knew he was only a man, I knew I had the Holy Spirit inside me, willing and ready to provide everything I needed, but daddy was always right there.  Did he let me down, sure, but he was my hero, and always found a way to fix it.  Did we butt heads, quite often, after all we were so much alike, but again it always worked itself out.  Dad was my easy button, my rock for 27 years.

Naturally, God knew all this, and he had a plan, a plan I did not agree with, a plan I hated Him for.  But a plan that worked itself out so beautifully, so loving, and so perfect.  I just did not see it at the time.  And yes, I did hate God, let's be real here, but it did not last long, as I realized He was in charge not me and His plans are always better than mine.

What does this have to do with my current weight loss/food journey?  Everything.  It is the final piece to the puzzle that God had finally put into place for me.  And what a glorious piece it is.  And here is where the puzzle started to fall apart.

My dad had a cancerous brain tumor, one that eventually took his life.  At one point during the final stages we (my husband, mom and sisters) we were all at a place where we did not want to face the truth because life without him would be too unbearable.  We all knew things were not looking good, yet still wanted to hope for a miracle, one that would not come, because it was not meant to.  I was still working as a teacher at the time and going to gym in the mornings before work, trying to keep things as normal as they could be.  That is where I made a deal with myself that started the lie, a lie I put in my box and sealed up tight and truthfully forgot about until just recently.

As I sat in the gym, the weight of the world on my shoulders, the feeling of pain and dread filling my mind I made a deal out of desperation.  I was desperate to control something.  I looked in the mirror and told myself that if I could not control my dad's health, I would and could control mine.  I would for the first time be the healthiest, the skinniest, the fittest girl I could be.  I would get that dream body I see in the magazines, I will exert my will on my body, because it is mine and I can control my body.  And for the past six years I made myself miserable and at times insane to accomplish this goal, this deal I made during my darkest hour.

I have always wondered where my extreme bodies imagine issues come from.  I have just always assumed they were always there and over time just grew.  But no, the moment I made that bargain with myself was the moment it became like a death sentence for me to ever see myself as I really am, so see myself as more than what my body looks like.

There were times after my father's death that I was so crazed, so out of control about my appearance that is was ridiculous.  To go out on a simple date with my husband I would go through 30 different outfits, throw a pity party because none of them looked just right, and throw myself on the bed in defeat.  Honestly, at times I am not sure how my husband did not throw my butt in the loony bin.  But again being skinny, having that perfect body was my ticket to being happy again.  And when I could not obtain that perfect body, my world would come crashing down on me and I no longer had my easy button, I was lost.  I would punish myself with food.  I would eat because I thought I was fat therefor I should be fatter, or eat/drink to punish myself for eating too much.  It was a cycle, I cycle I felt powerless to break, because deep down I did not want to break it, I needed to exert that control.  I was saved by Christ, but so lost in my lie, lost in my box, to lost to see any truth.

Back to the present.  I realized what I was doing about a year ago, and have slowly started the shed that extreme hold my image has had, but again the final piece fell into place just last week.  God works in His own time because He knows when we will be ready to listen and move forward with His Truth, not our own.

Since my dad's passing I have had to learn how to rely on Christ for the first time in my beleivership. My easy button was gone; I tried to replace it with so many other things, but was always pulled back to Him.  It's hard to release deep seeded beliefs, lies you have held on to like truths.  It's scary, pulling back the layers and finding out what you thought would make you happy was nothing but whale dung.  It is uneasy, yet powerfully freeing.  I feel vulnerable, yet amazing warm and comforted.  It is like being released from shackles, shackles of lies, shackles of studipty, just gone, done with, broken, free forever.  That box has been opened once again, and some more trash, some really heavy trash is being poured out, and Christ's love is being poured in to replace it.  His eternal, perfect love that fills everything and is in everything, even if we can't see it.  He is there and always will be.

Learning to cry again

I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright

Just cry
Just cry

-

Lyrics by Mandisa, song titled Just Cry from the Album What if we were real?

I have always asked the same question, why me God, why did you give me such a defective body, I mean did you think about this before you created me?  Seriously these hips, this butt, and what about all this cellulite, really?!  What were you thinking?  And don't get me started on my boobs.  These are all questions I have honestly asked.  Not to mention the whole unfair thing.  A pity party on why I can't eat or drink as I please and not put on any weight, it is so unfair.  Talk about a whining middle school student.  But hey, we all have to ask those questions to get to the answer.  If we are never honest with ourselves we can never open our hearts and ears to hear the truth that we so desperately seek.  So while the questions may be shallow and self-centered they were asked for a reason, and now I have my answer.

Mariah Carey, her post baby weight loss, and why we care.

picture via Mirror 

I was browsing the Internet yesterday and came across an article about Mariah Carey and her post baby body.  Normally I just skip past these types of articles, if I read them I feel sorry for myself and ask, why not me?  Then jealousy ensues and a pity party is next.  But this time I clicked on it.

Wii & Wine: Week 9: The results are in!

Let's get right to it today.  Here are my new numbers from my weekly weight
in with the Wii Fit Plus.


BMI: 24.54
Weight: 147.3 
maintenance!

I was hoping to maintain this week, so I am happy with my 
results.  I had an up and down roller-coaster last couple of 
weeks.  First, my son was sick with an ear infection and a cold
for the last couple weeks.  Whenever he is sick it takes a toll on me emotionally and mentally.
Then, I received my monthly gift about 1o days earlier than expected, which sent my 
hormones into over drive.  I went from a raging bitch to depressed to happy in about five 
seconds every five seconds.  So yes, needless to say a maintenance is a thumbs up for sure!

Truth in numbers. Two months down and feeling good.

Hard to believe only two short months ago I decided to get real about my weight gain.  Only two short months ago, I realized my eating habits were not being kind to my hips.  Only two short months ago, did I realize my wine consumption was a little out of control.  Only two short months ago did I fully grasp what I did to myself, and fully understand it was not a healthy way to live.  Only two short months ago I weighed in at 154, with a bad attitude about myself, food, and wine.

Something to chew on: Breaking my gum addiction one stick at a time

Hi, my name is Renee and I am an obsessive compulsive gum addict.  And I have been gum free for seven days now.  Insert people nodding heads approvingly and clapping here.

Yes, I am addicted to gum, this may not sound like a huge issue, one I really need to be concerned about, or even try to fix, but you would be wrong.  And for two weeks now I have been tackling my gum obsession.

Why gum?  And why us it such a big deal?

The video blog post: Weight loss success is more than a number.

Welcome to my first video blog post or my Wii & Wine series! 

As you know I love to write and find it very therapeutic, however to mix things up a bit I decided to record a video post.  I figured some subjects need a little visual representation to fully get my point across.  So, every now and then to spice thing up, I will throw in a video post for your enjoyment and education.  Thank you and enjoy!

Wow that is a great face!  Sure glad they used that one.  Kinda like whenever you pause a movie, the actor are always making the most stunning gorgeous faces.  Anyways, please share your comments below, on pintrest, twitter, Google +, or facebook.   Yes, be quite, I really do have that many social profile sites!   But it is mostly for the blog:) Cheers!

This was originally published on my wine blog wineabit.net on 2/29/12

Week 7: 10 reasons why I hate losing weight

What was going on in my brain last week?

Now that I have your attention with my post title here it goes.  This is my list of 10 reasons I often use myself or hear about when trying to lose those unwanted pounds.   And these are in no particular order.  Watch out for the dose of sarcasm.

Week 6: Time to be brave. Time to be real.

Here's what I been thinking about.

My mom told me recently I am a deep thinker, a little scary if you ask me.  Ha!  But seriously, it did get me thinking about a ton of stuff the last couple of days, and yes, most of it did have to do with weight issues, but also just being honest about who I am and what this weight loss journey really means.  Time to be real, like one of my new favorite artists Mandisa would say in her song,  no more temporary fills, no more hidin'.  


Time to be brave.