Learning to cry again

I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright

Just cry
Just cry

-

Lyrics by Mandisa, song titled Just Cry from the Album What if we were real?

I have always asked the same question, why me God, why did you give me such a defective body, I mean did you think about this before you created me?  Seriously these hips, this butt, and what about all this cellulite, really?!  What were you thinking?  And don't get me started on my boobs.  These are all questions I have honestly asked.  Not to mention the whole unfair thing.  A pity party on why I can't eat or drink as I please and not put on any weight, it is so unfair.  Talk about a whining middle school student.  But hey, we all have to ask those questions to get to the answer.  If we are never honest with ourselves we can never open our hearts and ears to hear the truth that we so desperately seek.  So while the questions may be shallow and self-centered they were asked for a reason, and now I have my answer.

Mariah Carey, her post baby weight loss, and why we care.

picture via Mirror 

I was browsing the Internet yesterday and came across an article about Mariah Carey and her post baby body.  Normally I just skip past these types of articles, if I read them I feel sorry for myself and ask, why not me?  Then jealousy ensues and a pity party is next.  But this time I clicked on it.

Truth in numbers. Two months down and feeling good.

Hard to believe only two short months ago I decided to get real about my weight gain.  Only two short months ago, I realized my eating habits were not being kind to my hips.  Only two short months ago, did I realize my wine consumption was a little out of control.  Only two short months ago did I fully grasp what I did to myself, and fully understand it was not a healthy way to live.  Only two short months ago I weighed in at 154, with a bad attitude about myself, food, and wine.

The video blog post: Weight loss success is more than a number.

Welcome to my first video blog post or my Wii & Wine series! 

As you know I love to write and find it very therapeutic, however to mix things up a bit I decided to record a video post.  I figured some subjects need a little visual representation to fully get my point across.  So, every now and then to spice thing up, I will throw in a video post for your enjoyment and education.  Thank you and enjoy!

Wow that is a great face!  Sure glad they used that one.  Kinda like whenever you pause a movie, the actor are always making the most stunning gorgeous faces.  Anyways, please share your comments below, on pintrest, twitter, Google +, or facebook.   Yes, be quite, I really do have that many social profile sites!   But it is mostly for the blog:) Cheers!

This was originally published on my wine blog wineabit.net on 2/29/12

Week 12: Good news on and off the scale

Last week was very draining for a variety of reasons, and one being the lack of sleep.  However, I still maintained good results on the scale, so here are my new numbers.


BMI: 24.74
Weight: 148.6
down 0.2 pounds


Losing weight is more than a smaller number on the scale, and I am still slowing learning that lesson.  I had a number of breakthroughs and revelations this past week and none of them have anything to do with the scale.  My body image is an attachment, and item inside my box that I have firmly held on to for many years.  I am finally ready to take it out of my box and replace it with truth.  But believe me, that is a hard one, and I will talk more about it later this week.  But I do want it out of the box and replaced with Christ's truth.  That may or may not translate to a smaller number on the scale, but I am also okay with that, well most days that is, let's be honest.  


A number does not define me, my identity with Christ does.

Week 5: A super week with a super attitude

So how did I do?

I titled this post super because it really was a great week.  Everything, both eating and emotions were on track and back to normal.  I am not sure what the scale will say yet, as it is also my monthly gift week, but regardless, I will not let it get me down or distract me from my goal.

Time to throw down some F bombs and soar like an eagle.

Here is my warning, my parental advisory lyrics label.  I have a pretty hard core potty mouth, something I am not proud of, but nonetheless it is the truth.  While I do not cuss all the time and all over the place, when I am angry or frustrated my favorite word has a handy way of being  an adjective,verb, and a noun.  So if you are sensitive to foul language close your eyes and skip reading until the next paragraph.

Week 4: Weigh in results

Once I weighed myself I was really considering lying, but what purpose would that serve, besides I am working on changing how I view myself, and lying would not help that!  This is my first thumbs down weigh in. Oh well, time to move on and get back to a thumbs up next week.  Here are my new numbers.

BMI: 25.12

Weight : 150.8

up 1.5 pounds since last week.

Well they say the scale does not lie!  And yes, I know that to be true.  Yes, I could choose to lie to myself like I have so many times in a the past and say, it is just muscle Renee, so don't worry about anything.  The problem with that thought process is, it gives me permission to not change my eating habits or any destructive behaviors, which then leads to more weight gain, and I get further and further from my goal.  Yes, I could be getting more muscles and the muscle mass is replacing fat mass, but my goal is not become a muscle queen.  I still have too much weight on my body for my frame, therefor, pounds still need to come off.

I could say a million different things to rationalize the weight gain, but it all comes down to a choice.  Do I choose to recognize what I did as far as my eating patterns not being so great, and therefor get back to what I know I need to do, or again throw a pity party.  Well as you read in my previous post, I have been there done that, and not going back.  I already made my mistakes last week, and now the scale is letting me know, hey you got caught so cut it out if you want to reach your goal weight.  Yesterday and Monday I got back to basics and I did not let the previous weeks attitude trickle into this week.  And besides, now I can celebrate getting below 150 twice!  It is all how you look at things, and I am choosing not to dwell on the negative but move forward and regain that momentum!

Thank you and good luck!

Week 4: Welcome to my pity party

So how did I do?


I would like nothing more than to tell you I did fantastic, never felt better in my life, I have this whole weight loss thing in the bag now after only a month.  Now, that would not only be a lie but unrealistic.  And here is why.

I did struggle with some old demons this week.  It started off dealing with a problem I am sure most of us have encountered in our life, bonus family members, and birthday parties.  To keep things on the down low I will refer to the stress as the "event".  As we all know dealing with an "event" can be stressful and what do I want to do when stressed?  Eat and drink.  Luckily, I did not open any wine after getting home from the "event", and believe me it would have been at least a two bottle night.  However, I did slip back into bad habits during the week, until I properly dealt with my stressed feelings.  I am not sure if the habits will show up on the scale yet, however I know how they made me feel and react to food, and that is the problem.

I slip back into this bad habit when either I want to commit diet suicide or when I have some underlying stress.  That habit is snacking around on anything and everything.  I have a pretty set schedule of when I eat, to keep this bad habit at bay, including snacks, now my son however is all over the map.  He is the snacking king, as he often does not eat full meals because he cannot sit still for long enough.  So I either leave out his food so he can go back to it later, or he asks for snacks all day long.  Why am I telling you this, well because I will sneak his snacks or am tempted to eat every time he does regardless of my hunger level when stressed.  And that makes me feel like crap, how do I add up a bit of this, and a taste of that, in my food diary.  Well I don't, and then I am not accurate with my food intake which makes the scale and belly bulge slip upward. The issue with not knowing how to record my sneaky snacks is simple, I don't really think I have eaten that much, because overall I haven't, but in reality all those little samples add up and they add up fast on my hips.

Now I know I cannot be the only person in the world who does this.  I know this is an easy bad habit that most mom's can fall into.  I laugh at myself sometimes, because it is kinda like I am the official taste tester, you know to see if the food if okay for human consumption, or to taste for any poison like in the movie, The Princess Bride.  Anyways, this is not a healthy behavior and one that needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets out of control.

By Thursday, after a big argument with my husband, I figured out what I was stressed about and how to get a handle on the snacking before any permanent damage was done.  However, I still had some mental damage to attend to.  And that was to not feel sorry for myself just because am not perfect, just because I slip into old bad habits.  And yes, I, like so many dieters out there, strive for perfection without taking into account the real world and all the temptations and pitfalls daily life throws in your face.

Everyone, (well everyone I know) has weight issues to deal with and traps they frequently fall into, that is just life.  The difference between falling on your face and staying down, and picking yourself back up is rather easy.  Stop throwing yourself a pity party, nobody wants to come but you anyways.  Believe me, I have tried and tried to get my poor husband to all my pity parties, but he just refuses to RSVP.  The longer you stay down the longer it takes to get back to good habits.  Realize you will fall and that is okay.  It is not about how many times you fall but how many times you pick yourself back up, adjust your attitude and move forward.  Nothing good ever comes out of a negative attitude, nothing.  And you make everyone around you miserable, and they then all wish your were fat again and because then at least you were pleasantly plump and where more fun to be around.  The people who love you and have supported you through your weight loss suddenly and unknowingly try to sabotage you, because you are making them so miserable with your loser attitude.

So my challenge to you and myself this week is, get back to a good and healthy attitude on weight loss.  And remember if you fall, who cares, get back up and everything will be okay.  Remember, only One person was born perfect, and it wasn't you.

This was previously published on my wine blog on 1/30/12

Week 3: The Wii and why exercise will not lead to a smaller butt.

So how did I do?

Well this week I have decided to talk about exercise and my Wii program.  I could talk about food stuff and self sabotage, but maybe I will delve into that next week.

I am the girl who used to hate the word exercise and saw it as a form of self torture and brutal work.  I hated to sweat, it just felt so gross and disturbed me to have something drip down my nose.  And worst yet, I hated to exercise with people around.   I don't sweat enough, so my face turns the color of the Sedona red rocks and stupid people would always ask me, why I was so red.  It irritated me so much that I confined myself to I only working out at home or in a swimming pool.  


Plus, exercise was so boring, and I asked myself, why I am doing this much work and not training for anything?  I was an athlete throughout high school, once that part of my life was over, exercise seemed silly and pointless.  Why sweat if you are not working on getting better times or faster on the court?

Wii and Wine: Truth in Numbers: Weekly Weigh in #2

Great news!  Numbers went down!  Which means I lost most of the weight I put on during the stressful holidays.  I am now only 2 pounds away from being in the healthy BMI zone.  So without further ado here are my new numbers:

BMI : 25.23

Weight : 151.4 :)

All this means that tracking your foods (with or without the calorie amount) and exercise along with keeping the stress levels down can lead to weight loss success.  All things I already knew, but chose to forget about in the last last year or so.  Silly me, but hey, it keeps life interesting always looking for the magic weight loss pill.

Also I did drink wine three days last week, however the key was to stick to only one or two glasses a day.  And if you are a women, it is important to note, if you are going to drink wine with your meal make sure you are still getting in your dairy/calcium.  The best way I have found to accomplish that goal is, to have a glass of milk with breakfast or lunch and yogurt as a snack.

Looking forward to next week!

This post first appeared on my wine blog wineabit.net on January 19, 2012

Wii and Wine

Wii and Wine : The new wine and food series

After a year of blogging about food and wine I have noticed something I am not too happy with, weight gain.  Like most people in this world gaining and losing weight is a constant battle.  I have been battling my bulge since I took my first steps into adulthood, entering college and living on my own.

Growing up, I had an overall healthy outlook about food, and was not too self conscience about my weight.  My mom cooked healthy meals and always stressed the importance of eating our fruits and veggies.  Enter high school, all the pretty and popular girls made me feel insecure and heavy.  Being a girl with Polish and German blood running through my veins, I have always been heavier than my friends but never fat.  However, when you are not a size 0 or 2 everything thing else is considered pudgy.  Hence high school, is when I developed an unhealthy body image and issues with food.  I have battled those issues ever since, and it was not until recently I got a better handle on it.

I lost 25 pounds after having my son, and was very happy and satisfied with my weight.  However, in my opinion I was still not perfect even though everyone, and everything else pointed to the opposite.  Slowing the weight crept back on since I never got to the root of my body image problem.

Enter in present day.  Since I started the blog, I have dealt with many body image and food issues and overall have a better since of where it all belongs.  Eating good is important, drinking good wine is fun, but not at the expense of my health.  While I have only gained between 5-10 pounds over the coarse of the last year, those pounds are not good on my frame, and make me feel uncomfortable.  Therefore, with all the holiday stress and business behind me now I have had a chance to really evaluate my weight and overall health.  With that evaluation I have come up with an idea for a new series on the blog.

I received a Wii Nintendo system this Christmas, yes I know I am late to the whole Wii stage, but hey better late than never.  Since it was given to us to use as a fitness system, we went out and purchased the Wii Fit Plus and a few other fitness video games.  I am not a video game player, and believe they are a time sucking vortex that only wastes time and brain cells.  However, the Wii can be a useful system to use as a fitness and health device.  I have always been a home fitness fan, because you don't have to drive anywhere to workout and I can look like a complete idiot and no one can see it.  So the Wii balance board and other fitness games play the perfect role to help me attain my new goals.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept the Wii Fit, it can calculate your weight, and track your progress for you with the handy dandy balance board.  It can also help you set goals and work on other various aspects of you fitness and overall health, plus the games are just fun.

My goal with this post series is simple, to blog my progress with losing that initial 5-10 pounds and then how I keep that weight off while still enjoying great food and wine.  I think it is so important to not give up the things we love, as long as they are not destructive, but figure out how to make them a part of our lives in a healthy way.  After all, wine itself is not the devil and neither is chocolate cake.  If you are using those things to cope with life, than yes they are destructive.  Wine and whatever trigger food you have, was not made so that life can become easier, and nor were they made just to taunt you.  They were made for enjoyment, not gluttony or enlightenment.

For the first month, I will chronicle my eating habits along with my progress with the Wii Fitness.  I am planning on cooking out of Cooking Light magazine for the month of January.  As I have written before,  Cooking Light is a wonderful resource for great tasting, healthy meals, and I have a ton of magazines to draw from.  I will note my progress with this plan, as well as how I incorporate wine into it.  I do not believe on giving up on wine, however I am just not sure how I will fit the whole thing in yet.  My goal is to find the right balance and finally get a grip on the whole weight, food, fitness, and wine thing, and chronicle that journey with you.

I am not quit sure how this series will look yet, but I know it will be fun to share, because I am not the only person in the world who enjoys good food and wine and is still looking to stay in shape.  So please join me on this discovery, and if you are looking for the same thing, please share your journey with me here on the blog, on twitter, google+, or facebook.

Thank you and as always enjoy!

What is inside your box?

A box.  Such a simple object, yet it can have such a powerful meaning.  It can define your life, and put you in chains.  It can lock you up and never let go.  Why?

I have been reading a fabulous book my sister suggested a couple weeks back.  Actually she discovered it from singer Mandisa's website.  She was going to read it, and then let us know if it was worth the read.  Well, I naturally got very curious, and since the last time we talked she had still not picked up the book, I jumped the gun and purchased it on my own.  The book is titled, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  And so far it has hit home on several key points I have been struggling with and rediscovering since I started this new weight loss journey back in January.  One of them is about our box and identity.